Amusing articles

I got these from a friend in an email a long time ago. I figure it is a good time as any to post these for posterity.

I cannot vouch for the authenticity of any of these stories but since they appear to have been clipped out of real newspapers, they MUST be true ... right?

Here you go:

My family photo?

Not really my family photo - more like my family stick drawing.

20 Puns (plus a bonus)

Like everyone else, I know people who email me dumb jokes, etc. One of my aunts-in-law used to include me on this email list of hers - she regularly emailed completely outrageous things and no one would question the veracity of any of it. Example - she sent an email about how there was some weirdo in Florida who was taping syringes to pump handles at gas stations. These syringes were filled with HIV-infected blood. You see where this one is going? Anyway, it seemed to me that - uhh, why haven't I heard ANY of these outlandish stories on the news? Thanks to ten seconds on snopes.com, I debunked these emails as they'd come in - I'd hit "reply all" and let the 53 people (who she emailed) know that the story was fake, here's the proof that it's fake, etc. After doing that three or four times, I was removed from her email list. I haven't received any emails from her in over six years.

But I still get occasional emails with lame jokes, etc. This one ... this one I thought was amusing in a "audible groan" sort of way. Enjoy ...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and isnamed 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving thepicture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Should I be worried?

I recently got a notification that I have a new follower on Twitter. The message is repeated verbatim below:

***

The plague (TheRealPlague)

is now following your tweets on Twitter.

***

Should I be worried?

Craigslist is the new source for up-and-coming literary giants

This is a real posting from Craigslist. Brilliant, I say. I'd pay $600 for the original draft of this story, never-mind the car.

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92 Acura Legend - Chicks dig it (Beaver Valley, OH)

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Date: 2010-03-18, 2:06PM EDT
Reply to: [removed] [Errors when replying to
ads?]

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Do you like to live on the edge? Do you want a car that doesn't just get you from point A to point B, but keeps you in suspense the entire journey? Well then, read on to hear more about the car of your dreams: a 1992 V6 Acura Legend.

When you first turn the ignition you'll instantly feel the beast's hum as it struggles to maintain idle revs. Perhaps this is due to a faulty control valve, but maybe, just maybe, this magnificent means of transportation is trying to speak to you. Oh, the stories this car could tell: from mile one through mile two-hundred and thirty-seven thousand; from Toledo to Columbus to Miami to Austin and everywhere in between. This Legend has seen it all and wants you to take it on a reunion tour.

Next, you'll notice strange lights and sounds. The interior lights in the vehicle strobe, the brake warning lamp gloriously illuminates, the faulty vehicle speed sensor sparkles other dashboard lights and the speedometer and tachometer render useless feedback while leaping from one extreme to the other. At night, these lights, combined with the arbitrary squeaks, rattles and screeches, create an experience so awesome that it can only be compared to watching a Pink Floyd laser-light show being cast upon the aurora borealis.

Finally, you put the car in reverse and begin your anticipated expedition. As the car creeps backwards a new, startling noise awaits. Alas, the right-rear wheel caliper is stuck! By now, the brake pad is so worn that pure metal rubs along the rotor singing the sweet songs of Meshuggah, Lamb of God and [insert your own favorite death metal band].

Then you shove the transmission into drive; or should I say overdrive? No...I shouldn't. This car doesn't have overdrive. You press your foot to the floor and listen to the car produce more revs per minute than the manufacturer intended. Finally, the transmission shifts and you're cruising down the highway on your faded leather seats with the power sunroof open to let in the cool, spring air. You smile and wink at a pair of 19-somethings driving their daddy's Lexus. The ladies notice the apparent rust spotted around the car and whisper to each other, "Only a REAL man has the cajones to drive such a vehicle." The rainbow colors produced by the dulling paint make the ladies think about leprechauns and a pot of gold. Gold = money and jewelry. Women love money and jewelry. You see where this is going?

You meet the girls at the next Rest Stop to show-off your man-machine. You pop the hood to show the ladies the after-market Battery and AC/Heater Motor Blower. The girls are very impressed. One of them asks you if she can check your dip-stick. A devilish laugh escapes your mouth, but you quickly change the subject because, although your dip-stick is very long, it's also very skinny. Next, you open the trunk - [insert your own lame booty joke]. The women become infatuated with the six-disc CD player remarking, "Six discs at once. Oh my!"; thankfully, they're unaware it's broken. The girls want to go for a ride so you slam your trunk shut, not because you want to show off your muscles, but because the trunk latch is finicky and needs to be slammed to stay shut.

Despite the car technically having power locks, you decide to manually unlock the doors for the women. You let the siren maidens roll down their windows, hoping the motors will maintain enough power to roll them back up.

You and your sweet, little, souped-up V6 roll down the highway carrying precious 19-year-old cargo. Imagine the possibilities. All this can be yours for the low, low, FIRM price of $600.00....interesting trades considered.

Location: Beaver Valley, OH
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM	CAUSE	CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass Being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper Bladder Control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself lashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Floor Blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear	It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up	Punch him
People are standing around the urinals, talking.	You're in the ladies' room	Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting. (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in	You've wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk	a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy	Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps	You're in a gay bar	Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar

Tax writeoffs

I'm working on my 2009 tax return right now. This is maddening. Thank gawd for prep software. I'm fully aware that not everyone's situation requires software (e.g. anyone who files 1040EZ, anyone who has a complicated financial picture, etc.) - but for most folks, tax prep software is the way to go.

Part of the software I'm using (I won't mention it by name unless the company wants to spot me a few $$$ for endorsing it) has a built in module that allows you to find the value of donated items (e.g. clothing, household items, etc.). My wife and I donated a lot of clothing to a local charity last year and I created an inventory list of the donations before handing over the items to the charity. The tricky thing is I need to reconcile my items (inventory list) to the items described in the donation module in the tax prep software. Example: my wife donated something called a "long sleeve V neck knit dress." That description is not included in the donations module in the software - so I might categorize it as "Women's All Occasion Dress: Sundress." Or maybe as something else that sounds close.

So I get to trying to match up my donations to the software's list of items. Under "Men's Clothing," there is a category for "Men's Swimwear." I think to myself, "Hmm, that's straightforward." But, no, it's broken down further. There is "Men's Swimwear: Trunks" and .... yes .... there is "Men's Swimwear: Bikini."

This is wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to begin. I mean, why was the MEN'S bikini purchased in the first place? How about the look on the face of the person who works at the local charity and is unloading the donated items on the loading dock? "OK, here's a vacuum cleaner - looks like we can get $40 for this ... and here's a woman's belt. Nice - we should get $5 for this one. What's this? A bikini bottom ... hmmm ... where's the top? oh .... crap."

Christmas 2009

Finally got the Christmas cards with annual newsletter into the mail for this year. If I am only one or two days late after Christmas, I am relieved. I'll be very surprised if I ever get the cards/newsletter out in time any year. The card production (e.g. photo taken, cards made, labels produced, etc.) is nothing compared to the newsletter creation process. It's not like creating The Godfather or anything like that but it does consume pretty much an entire day. And the only time I can get around to it is on/around Dec 25.



Whatever. I got the cards/newsletter into the mail. And to all, a good night.

Over-reliance on things to think for us

I read an article or op-ed piece somewhere within the past few months that many people have started to rely on electronic do-dads to the point that we're losing our sense of direction and ability to think through things. The example given in the piece that I read talked about the prevalence of GPS units in cars. I agree with this author (whoever s/he was) - if you've got a GPS in your car, it sometimes takes away from paying attention to the act of driving and more on listening to/looking at a 'disconnected' automaton for some sense of direction. I've always prided my sense of direction and can usually find someplace using this "sense." This is why I don't have a GPS unit - I am sure the fact that I'm a tightwad has nothing to do with not having a GPS unit. What I'm trying to say that, thanks to new gadgetry, it seems we've gotten to the point where we don't need to think as much about certain things as we used to have to in the past.

I came across a 911 call recently that reminded me of this article I read. I think it gets across the point I am making much better than I have and/or can:

Dumb Woman Locked in Her Car 911 Call sound bite 911 Calls sound bites

Tommy Boy and flight patterns

Watched Tommy Boy on Comedy Central recently. Funny movie that I've seen a few times before.

Most of the movie is set in the Midwest and much of it seems to have been actually filmed there. There is a scene, however, that makes no "geographic sense." One of the characters who is supposedly living and working in the Sandusky OH area goes to an airport in the Sandusky area and needs to get a flight to Cuyahoga Falls (OH). (Let's ignore the fact that you wouldn't say you'd need a flight to Cuyahoga Falls - it's a suburb of Cleveland. You know, the really big city near Cuyahoga Falls that actually has an airport.) The gate attendant tells the character that there are no direct flights to Cuyahoga Falls - all those flights go through Columbus.

Ok, this makes a lot of sense. First, it would be a HELLUVA lot faster to simply rent a car and drive from Sandusky to Cleveland, err, Cuyahoga Falls. But, no, the character instead bothers to drive to either Toledo's or Detroit's airport (the only airports of any size near Sandusky). To try to catch a flight to Cleveland that is routed through Columbus. From Toledo or Detroit. It's like flying from LA to San Francisco via San Diego.

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Sent from my mobile device

Aleve TV commercial

Seems to me that TV commercials are mostly unbelievable. Most are quite unbelievable - e.g. elves baking cookies, talking cars, that sort of thing. But many are subtly unbelievable.

Saw a TV commercial for Aleve. The set up is the aisle of a nameless pharmacy, drug store, etc. It looks unnaturally crowded with people. And by crowded, I mean three people standing close to one another. (I don't recall going to any store and huddling with random strangers in the aisles - instead, everyone gives each other a pretty wide berth.)

One of the persons starts talking to himself after picking up a non Aleve brand and reading the instructions, muttering something about having to take a lot of pills to help relieve arthritis pain. A woman standing no less than two feet away from him, picks up a different non Aleve brand, and says to no one in particular (even though there are two total random strangers standing close enough that she can stick her tongue in their ears at the same time without moving) something about having to take something like 80 pills over the next ten days.

I don't watch a lot of TV so I never got a DVR - I don't even know what one looks like. I like the idea of skipping commercials. But if I was able to skip commercials, this blog would be even more lame than it already is.

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Sent from my mobile device

Ingenuity and BBQing

I don't remember who sent this to me but it's definitely an ingenious use of a shopping cart.

People, If You're Selling MP3 Players, Wipe It Clean Before Giving Them Up

I recently purchased a Sansa MP3 player off Ebay to replace the one I left on a plane trip a couple of months ago. I tried to upload some songs to it - and I get "Device full" message. I think to myself - "It must be broken. How can this 8GB player be full already??"

I open up the files via Explorer and, lo and behold, the device is chock full of stuff. Some of it decent and a lot of crap. 8GB worth of this stuff. So now I have to spend my time to delete this crap off the MP3 player. Note that there are some OK songs on the device that I may leave on the device. One might say, "Hey, you got a lot of music for free." True, but music is pretty personal and very individual in terms of "taste." Example: I see a folder for Adam Ant. I recall a few catchy tunes from this cat way back when. I open the Adam Ant folder to see which song(s) is(are) on the device. Turns out it's some song I've never heard of. Crap - so it was deleted.

There are over 250 different musicians/bands on this MP3 player. And I need to review each folder to see whether it's anything I want to keep. This is a major waste of time. One might say, "Well, why don't you just delete everything?" I could - but then I might be deleting a song or two or more that I might actually like. And I'm not one to pass up on free stuff.

How Not to Get Swine Flu

Don't do this.

Maytag and Monster Trucks

I don't watch a lot of TV. This probably explain why I don't have a DVR. Maybe eventually.

I just saw an ad for Maytag that takes the cake for stupidity. There are two rows of washing machines, probably 15 to 20 machines in each row. Each row is parallel to the other with about four or five feet between each row. There is a pair of small ramps leading "up" one end of each row and another pair of small ramps leading "down" the other end of each row. Using the ramps, a monster truck drives on to the washing machines, ostensibly to show how well made the washing machines are.

Here's the kicker: when the monster truck drives up on to the washing machines, the following words appear on the screen for a few seconds:

DO NOT ATTEMPT

Ok. Let's assume $700 per washing machine. Let's assume $50,000 for the monster truck. (And that's probably too low but humor me here.) Let's assume I had the means (not to mention space) to put $14,000 worth of washing machines in two perfectly spaced rows. Then I happen to have a tricked out monster truck nearby, ready to drive up any ramps that might be in the area.

Yeah, that would be sweet. (The version posted here was the one created by the ad agency - obviously, legal counsel for Maytag Inc made them add the "DO NOT ATTEMPT" verbiage after filming was complete.)

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Sent from my mobile device

White Castle and Valentine's Day

V-Day at the Castle. Reservations required. Coat + tie optional. Not sure about pants.

Christmas/Holiday/Whatever Cards Sent

As always, I was about one week late in getting my "December" (where "December" represents Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever) cards. I knew something was up when four different people, independent of one another, contacted me, asking "Where is your card and letter?" Well, they're in the mail.

If you're here because you got the card and letter and need to get a hold of me, leave a comment on this posting and I'll contact y'all. Joyeux Noel!

The Brilliance That is The U.S. Postal Service

I was in the local US Postal Service branch this morning, picking up some stamps for my annual attempt at humor (aka "Christmas card"). Please ignore that I am sending the cards after Christmas. Actually, now that I think about it, I've been sending these cards after Christmas for at least the last four years. Time for me to acknowledge a new tradition.

But I digress. Here are a couple of things that bug me about this particular branch:

1) Credit card readers that are inoperable.

I don't know about you but the two local USPS offices that I usually go to have inoperable credit card readers. I recall these readers being installed in the offices about four or five years ago. The "readers" don't read credit cards - they only display the charges for your transaction at the counter. One of the offices went so far as to stuff a piece of corrugated cardboard in the slot where you would normally swipe your credit card - the corrugated cardboard has a handwritten note on it - "Doesn't Work."

2) There is a sign that you notice on the way into the post office. It says no cell phones can be used anywhere in the lobby. I think this is a good idea. Like church, I like to think of post offices places of refuge from inane chatter that you usually hear when listening to someone yammer on his/her cell phone. If I want mindless yammering, I'd go to any local airport and hang out in the boarding area(s).

As wise and useful as that "no cell phones" sign is - it is matched in utter stupidity by the sign one reads posted on the inside portion of exit door (there are two separate doors - one for entering and another for exiting). It says, "No pets." Where I'm from, that's the sort of sign you'd want to have on the way IN to an establishment, not on the way out. Unless, of course, the post office means that once you bring your pet into the post office, you cannot bring him/her outside of the post office. In other words, any pets brought into the post office becomes property of the post office.

Why is Ashton Kutcher the face of Nikon?

In TV commercials that most people have probably seen, Ashton Kutcher is presented as some sort of semi-wacky shutterbug. The most annoying ad has to be the one where he is a photographer at a wedding. He proceeds to knock over a waiter carrying a tray of canapes, messes up the wedding cake, and is involved with a number of other forgettable "hilarious" vignettes.

But what is galling is a full page ad I just saw in Newsweek. It shows Mr Kutcher poring over a very high end Nikon camera like he is this generation's Ansel Adams. And to top it all off, all of the promotional web links for any of the camera models that Kutcher is "endorsing" includes the name "ashton." I would include an example here but the last thing I would want to do is give Nikon any kind of idea that this "Ashton Kutcher as Photography God" advertising campaign is anything other than ultra-dumb-dee-dumb-dumb.

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Sent from my mobile device

Photobombing: The Fine Art of Ruining Other People's Photos

I recently got an email from a friend - the email had several photos attached to it. Although most (if not all) of them have been altered/photo-shopped and I've seen some/most/all of these posted elsewhere on the web, I thought it would be worthwhile to post them here. Enjoy.