Craigslist is the new source for up-and-coming literary giants

This is a real posting from Craigslist. Brilliant, I say. I'd pay $600 for the original draft of this story, never-mind the car.

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92 Acura Legend - Chicks dig it (Beaver Valley, OH)

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Date: 2010-03-18, 2:06PM EDT
Reply to: [removed] [Errors when replying to
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Do you like to live on the edge? Do you want a car that doesn't just get you from point A to point B, but keeps you in suspense the entire journey? Well then, read on to hear more about the car of your dreams: a 1992 V6 Acura Legend.

When you first turn the ignition you'll instantly feel the beast's hum as it struggles to maintain idle revs. Perhaps this is due to a faulty control valve, but maybe, just maybe, this magnificent means of transportation is trying to speak to you. Oh, the stories this car could tell: from mile one through mile two-hundred and thirty-seven thousand; from Toledo to Columbus to Miami to Austin and everywhere in between. This Legend has seen it all and wants you to take it on a reunion tour.

Next, you'll notice strange lights and sounds. The interior lights in the vehicle strobe, the brake warning lamp gloriously illuminates, the faulty vehicle speed sensor sparkles other dashboard lights and the speedometer and tachometer render useless feedback while leaping from one extreme to the other. At night, these lights, combined with the arbitrary squeaks, rattles and screeches, create an experience so awesome that it can only be compared to watching a Pink Floyd laser-light show being cast upon the aurora borealis.

Finally, you put the car in reverse and begin your anticipated expedition. As the car creeps backwards a new, startling noise awaits. Alas, the right-rear wheel caliper is stuck! By now, the brake pad is so worn that pure metal rubs along the rotor singing the sweet songs of Meshuggah, Lamb of God and [insert your own favorite death metal band].

Then you shove the transmission into drive; or should I say overdrive? No...I shouldn't. This car doesn't have overdrive. You press your foot to the floor and listen to the car produce more revs per minute than the manufacturer intended. Finally, the transmission shifts and you're cruising down the highway on your faded leather seats with the power sunroof open to let in the cool, spring air. You smile and wink at a pair of 19-somethings driving their daddy's Lexus. The ladies notice the apparent rust spotted around the car and whisper to each other, "Only a REAL man has the cajones to drive such a vehicle." The rainbow colors produced by the dulling paint make the ladies think about leprechauns and a pot of gold. Gold = money and jewelry. Women love money and jewelry. You see where this is going?

You meet the girls at the next Rest Stop to show-off your man-machine. You pop the hood to show the ladies the after-market Battery and AC/Heater Motor Blower. The girls are very impressed. One of them asks you if she can check your dip-stick. A devilish laugh escapes your mouth, but you quickly change the subject because, although your dip-stick is very long, it's also very skinny. Next, you open the trunk - [insert your own lame booty joke]. The women become infatuated with the six-disc CD player remarking, "Six discs at once. Oh my!"; thankfully, they're unaware it's broken. The girls want to go for a ride so you slam your trunk shut, not because you want to show off your muscles, but because the trunk latch is finicky and needs to be slammed to stay shut.

Despite the car technically having power locks, you decide to manually unlock the doors for the women. You let the siren maidens roll down their windows, hoping the motors will maintain enough power to roll them back up.

You and your sweet, little, souped-up V6 roll down the highway carrying precious 19-year-old cargo. Imagine the possibilities. All this can be yours for the low, low, FIRM price of $600.00....interesting trades considered.

Location: Beaver Valley, OH
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM	CAUSE	CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass Being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper Bladder Control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself lashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Floor Blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear	It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up	Punch him
People are standing around the urinals, talking.	You're in the ladies' room	Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting. (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in	You've wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk	a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy	Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps	You're in a gay bar	Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar